if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
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The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
I bet birds love this building.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Steam Forums
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode