It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
You Might Also Like
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Cha-ching is my safe word
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
*cough*
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.