Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
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I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”