It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
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opening a flower shop called women in stem
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”