Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
You Might Also Like
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
When they try to steal your moment.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.