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[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Danger is very dangerous
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Perfect
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Happy Star Wars day!