At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
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This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Saturday
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.