I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
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When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down