If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
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I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.