When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
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no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
im 7 sauces long
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages