Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
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Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.