My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
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Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.