Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
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[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Terribly Tuesday.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Girl, same.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.