H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
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Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed