True.
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POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.