[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
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Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.