Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.