I miss getting my misinformation from less places
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a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I laughed at this way too hard.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
figuring out my emotional availability:
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.