Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
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Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I think I’m having a stroke
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
I found your tweet-up…
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!