Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
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My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
podcasts
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat