Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
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Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
reduce, reuse, recycle
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
They did not miss in the small print
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over