Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
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oh good, now I can stop drinking
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Best table by far
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much