Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
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every college guy’s fridge
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring