do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
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I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
finally found a reasonable question
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?