Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
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[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.