[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
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The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?