Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
You Might Also Like
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much