help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
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me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*