🤣🤣🤣
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Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
getting corrected
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
selfie game