I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
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for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
I don’t know what to do
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.