ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.