Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
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[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it