My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
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No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I’m about to risk it all
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)