It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
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We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
the three branches of government
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
When ur friends with white people
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum