a god among men
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as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.