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Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither