Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
You Might Also Like
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.