Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
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Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole