It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
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dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
oppen heimer style lol
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?