Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
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Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.