interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
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My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!