Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
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I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
stand with me against insufficient seating
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.