So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
handsome & gretel
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Perfect.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
o shit
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…