[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
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chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
What
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.