FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
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Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.