Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa