Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
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Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.