gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
You Might Also Like
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
B
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.