“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
You Might Also Like
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*