16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
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my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
The sacred texts.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.